The Silent Shame: Male Victims of Coercive Control and the System That Refuses to See Them

By Rose Byass

In the cultural narrative of domestic abuse, one story dominates: the man as perpetrator, the woman as victim. And indeed, countless women have been terrorised, injured, or killed by male partners. But that narrative, while crucial, is not complete. There is another story—quieter, often ridiculed, and dangerously overlooked: men as victims of coercive control. These men are not rare. They walk among us—our brothers, fathers, sons, friends. They are men who live in fear of the partner who once claimed to love them. Men who are shouted down, gaslit, humiliated, and manipulated. Men who are used, alienated from their children, dragged through false accusations, and silenced by shame. And too often, the world around them shrugs or laughs. It’s time to end that silence.

Coercive Control Doesn’t Have a Gender

Coercive control is not about strength—it’s about domination. It's the use of psychological tactics to erode a person's freedom, identity, and self-worth. It involves isolation, threats, constant surveillance, financial abuse, sexual manipulation, and emotional degradation. It is a form of domestic terrorism—and it is not gender exclusive.When a woman controls a man’s access to his friends, finances, or family, when she humiliates him in front of others, when she monitors his movements, when she turns children into weapons, when she threatens to destroy him publicly or legally—this is abuse. And yet, in the eyes of society and the justice system, male suffering often elicits smirks instead of support.

“But He’s a Man” — The Trap of Masculinity

The cultural script of masculinity is built on dominance, stoicism, and control. Men are expected to be tough, rational, and unshakable. So when a man is abused—emotionally, verbally, even physically—it violates not only his sense of safety, but his very identity.This makes male victims far less likely to speak up. Many fear being mocked, emasculated, or disbelieved. They worry that admitting to being “controlled by a woman” will make them seem weak or laughable. And when they do gather the courage to speak up, they are often dismissed by police, therapists, and courts.Worse still, abusive female partners often weaponise these stereotypes. They call the police first. They accuse the man of being dangerous. They fake injuries, cry on cue, and rely on the assumption that women don’t harm men. And the system, steeped in bias, often believes them.

The Family Court System: A Battlefield for Fathers

Perhaps nowhere is the bias against male victims more pronounced than in the family court system. For men who are fathers, the abuse doesn’t stop when the relationship ends—it often escalates.Many men are falsely accused of violence or abuse in order to restrict their access to their children. Some are slapped with intervention orders based on manipulation, not evidence. In high-conflict separations, some mothers use children as pawns, deliberately sabotaging the father-child bond through parental alienation—a form of psychological abuse that harms both the child and the targeted parent.These cases are tragic not just because of the injustice to the father, but because children are caught in the crossfire. They are taught to fear or despise a parent who may have done nothing wrong. This is emotional child abuse. And yet, when the father tries to speak up, he is painted as controlling or vindictive.In these settings, abusive mothers are rarely held accountable. The belief that women are inherently nurturing, honest, and victimised blinds the system to the truth: some women do abuse power, just as some men do. They lie. They manipulate. They punish. And they use the system to legitimise their abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse and Gender Bias

A particular type of abuser—male or female—is the covert narcissist. These individuals present as charming, intelligent, even vulnerable, while engaging in a behind-the-scenes campaign of destruction. Female narcissistic abusers often weaponise their gender and perceived fragility to garner sympathy while gaslighting their partners, stonewalling, denying, projecting, and manipulating everyone around them.Men in these relationships often experience “crazy-making”—a state of chronic confusion, self-doubt, and psychological disintegration. Their sense of reality erodes as they are told that everything is their fault, that they’re imagining things, that they’re abusive for trying to set boundaries.This psychological war is just as devastating—if not more so—than physical assault. It leaves men emotionally crippled, riddled with anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But when they seek therapy, legal help, or medical support, they are rarely met with understanding. Too many therapists still work from a gendered framework where women are victims and men are perpetrators by default.

The Cost of Silence: Men Are Dying Too

The refusal to see men as victims has a deadly cost. Suicide rates among men are significantly higher than among women in nearly every developed nation. While the causes are complex, relationship breakdown and parental alienation are major risk factors. Some men take their lives after losing access to their children. Others are financially ruined by drawn-out legal battles rooted in false allegations. Others still suffer quietly from the long-term effects of emotional abuse and isolation, too ashamed or unsupported to seek help. They die in silence because society never gave them permission to speak.

A Personal Reflection: Let’s Call It What It Is

Many of us know men who are suffering. I do. I’ve seen intelligent, loving fathers broken by court systems that presume guilt because of their gender. I’ve seen men try to explain the emotional torture they endured, only to be told, “Man up. ”This is not justice. It is gendered blindness masquerading as equality. And it’s not just unfair—it’s dangerous. Every time we laugh at male pain, every time we say “he must have done something,” every time we dismiss a man’s trauma, we create a culture where abusers—of any gender—get away with it.

What Needs to Change: A Call to Action

To end the epidemic of coercive control, we must treat all abuse as abuse, regardless of the perpetrator’s gender.

1. Education and Awareness

• Public campaigns must include male victims.
• Schools and media must challenge gendered stereotypes about who abuses and who suffers.

2. Gender-Inclusive Law Reform

• Laws around domestic violence, coercive control, and parental alienation must be written and enforced gender-neutrally.
• Interventions should be based on behaviour, not biology.

3. Family Court Reform

• Mandatory psychological evaluations in high-conflict custody cases.
• Accountability for false allegations and misuse of intervention orders.
• Training for judges and lawyers on coercive control by both sexes.

4. Mental Health Support for Men

• Trauma-informed therapy tailored to male survivors.
• Support groups and resources that allow men to speak without shame.

Conclusion: It’s Time to Listen to Men, Too

Abuse has no gender. It wears many faces, speaks in many tones, and hides behind many roles—mother, wife, girlfriend, partner. If we are serious about ending domestic violence, we must be honest about all who suffer and all who inflict harm. Men deserve safety. They deserve to parent their children without fear. They deserve to heal without stigma. They deserve to be believed. Let us stop asking, “Why didn’t he leave?” and start asking, “What did she do to make him afraid to stay or afraid to go?” Let us give male survivors what every survivor needs: validation, protection, justice, and dignity.